Forging ground, on a two way road

I mean holding your own, is easy right? In a world where no one cares, and rarity is those who do.
I'm learning sensitivity, at the same time believing in pain. I have this idiom, I cant let go of, you know... Pain is Beauty. I'm the type that cried at the sentiments of life in the novel about the Geisha girl...For some reason...I am learning how to balance compassion with boundaries, and good fun with reasonable sense. I'm learning make-up and like structures of retail operations, skin care fundamentals and colour theory but I'm experiencing some type of transformation. I thought it would be understandable, and I would be able to brag about how easy it is. In confidence, I can say that I'm learning but not through the understanding it's through the experience. Hmm, life is so much more than the eye can see. You know, I'm getting A's, and I'm scoring perfect on all my quizzes and I'm organized to maintain efficiency but I'm like aware that this part doesn't even matter. It's all the confidence I can bring to experience success but I know that no one likes a failure, but I still feel like I failed, in a sense because I'm cocooning. I'm not soaring with my butterfly wings, like I'm incubated int his knowledge. And I want rapid gratification, that's the field of experience I come from so it's hard for me to not feel stagnant but it's an experience. My new attitude in life is to be as present as possible, because life really is precious gift. I don't know if completion is becoming that butterfly, a hmm maybe it's a cliche type metaphor for what I'm trying to express. Nature has it subtleties, definitely worth remembering, nature also has its fierceness, from which I can be inspired to live. We come from constant elevation if we choose, and everything has a motion, so I know everything has to rest but in this world, it's the phenomenon of progress that I can't subdue...so it's not failure but its an urge to stay still where I am, the fullness of my experience.
I guess, knowing that from what I came is the most beautiful vanity. I get mixed up in a feeling of sanity held complacently, not greatness so it must be failure. It's nature taken away, mixed with substance of reality. It's colour in theory or molecular structure, vibrations of reality. It's soo much more than the eye can see, when I say I'm there, I'm really there. There's no where safer than being where you're supposed to be; living life creating a way to express your joy. And that's the difference between failure and stagnation to what I see. You know we don't always feel what it is, feeling can be an illusion and complexities are part of me. I'm learning the mind sometimes sees what it wants as opposed to reality, and how many lives stuck in this velocity, a type of speed that just ain't for me? Inward shift, this is about where I stand.